Shelton Haynes
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Shelton’s Believe It or Not: He Now Wants the Board to “Expand” His “Powers”

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In The Daily’s first installment of Shelton’s Believe It or Not, we introduce you to a remarkable move set for approval by his weak-as-diner-coffee board. It’s on the agenda for their October 2022 session.

Dear Leader seeks “Powers to Issue Proclamations & Citations.” I am not kidding. I could have made this up as satire, but nobody would believe it. Now you have no choice.

by David Stone

The Roosevelt Island Daily News

Believe It or Not: The Request

As proposed by Akeem Jamal for Board Consumption:

The Roosevelt Island Operating Corporation (“RIOC”) Office of the President & CEO is seeking to expand its powers to proclaim honorary days on Roosevelt Island and issue citations. The proclamations and citations will be issued for the following but are not limited to, increasing awareness of a cause, person, group, issue, or achievement within Roosevelt Island that aligns with the community’s vision and values; and also conforms with RIOC’s mission of promoting the maintenance and operation of Roosevelt Island and supporting our community organizations and stakeholders alike. The President & CEO makes the final decision on whether a proclamation will be issued; and reserves the right to edit any drafted material for final wording.

NB 9 Expanding President/CEO Powers

A critical flaw assumes that the man hiding inside Blackwell House has any clue of “the community’s vision and values.” Of course, he doesn’t. He’s too busy.

Work, work, work… That’s Shelton. Busy, busy, busy.

You don’t have to ask him either. At September’s board meeting, President/CYA Shelton J. Haynes explained promoting Mary Cunneen to Chief Operating Officer, a position for which she is manifestly unqualified. He desperately needs the help.

After serving double duty as RIOC President/CEO and COO for two years, Haynes said he was “exhausted.” Believe it or not, he wasn’t kidding.

You had to laugh. I did anyway, remembering all the days when his gas guzzler was missing from the New York State Shelton J. Haynes Parking Area.

New York State Shelton J. Haynes Parking Area. Even when Dear Leader doesn’t, you can’t.

The Daily Can Help Out

RIOC recommends that the President & CEO be able to issue proclamations as an official announcement that publicly recognizes an initiative, person, observance, or other entities as stated above. RIOC also recommends that the President & CEO be able to issue citations to highlight people and other entities with significant milestones and achievements. This act will prove to increase community engagement, morale, and overall excitement by honoring individuals or groups for their service and/or achievement. Honoring these groups and/or individuals will effectively extend RIOC’s deepest appreciation and highest honor from the CEO/President, as well as serve as an official announcement.

The Recommendation from RIOC’s New Suckup AVP

Ponder “Honoring these groups and/or individuals will effectively extend RIOC’s deepest appreciation and highest honor from the CEO/President…”

“Shelton wants to proclaim himself king of the island… What the hell is this?” a resident wrote.

The only surprise is, really, that he waited so long to say so. But he was probably too busy. Or exhausted.

About Proclamations

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What’s the deal with proclamations? I mean, really. A public proclamation is just a fancy way of saying “Hey, everyone! Listen up!” Which, let’s be honest, is not always something that people want to do.

Granted, there are some proclamations that are more interesting than others. For example, did you know that there’s an International Lefthanders Day? Or that October is National Pizza Month? Yay!

So I guess proclamations can be fun sometimes. But other times they’re just a pain in the neck. Like when your high school friends proclaimed you the “Best Dressed” in your grade. I mean, come on! Who are they to judge? (I’m still getting over that one).

Anyway, proclamations can be hit or miss. But at the end of the day, it’s up to you whether or not you listen to them.

Believe It or Not, We Have Some Ideas

The Roosevelt Island Daily wants to make life easier for Shelton J. Haynes, and take some pressure off his shoulders. To that end, we’ve come up with a list of proclamations and citations he is free to use without charge.

You’re welcome, Shelton. No need to thank us.

  • Shelton and Altheria Day: On this day, Roosevelt Islanders honor the practice of getting rid of qualified staff and replacing them with highly unqualified suck-ups. Who’s gone? Jonna Carmona-Graf, Terrence McCauley, Susan Rosenthal, Amy Smith, Jessica Cerone, Erica Spencer-EL, Arthur Eliav, John O’Reilly, Michelle Williams, etc.
  • The Empty Seat Citation: This recognizes the singular contributions of board member Conway Ekpo, a Cuomo appointee who has spent two years saying nothing but “Yes” and “Here.”
  • The Who Me? Citation: This honors the Dear Leader himself for brushing off a mountain of lawsuits so high it costs RIOC hundreds of thousands on outside lawyers. Not to mention multiple sworn accusations of racism. One man who wishes to remain anonymous says Haynes referred to him as a “white motherf—er” more than once. But he probably just made it up out of jealousy.
  • Disappearing Resumes Day: On this day, we honored the tradition during the Haynes Administration in which dubious resumes, including his own, disappear from LinkedIn when questions arise. It’s unprecedented.
  • Freedom of the Press Not Day: Honoring RIOC’s traditional bunker mode which has reached new levels of excellence recently. Significant achievements: Illegally conducting board business behind closed doors; denying freedom of information requests; never explaining any actions or answering questions about them; sucking up to the gov and getting protection in return.
  • Roosevelt Island Day: This day celebrates the diminishing of community, using threats and divisions pitting residents against each other, and rendering the original dream a conception best honored in its absence.

Citations and Proclamations Conclusion

Ingenious resident contributors can suggest more. So, let’s all get together and help Shelton, the awestruck Board and his Royal Protectors.

He can’t do it alone. He needs enablers who fall brainlessly behind his expanding powers.

The coronation date is pending.

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