As our readers know, online goofs are a RIOC specialty. Currently, Roosevelt Islanders involuntarily chip in around a half-million annually for its communications team. But the results rank on a more amateur level. Or as one acute observer says, “No one proofreads or researches. Stupidity reigns…” That’s an exaggeration, but not much.
by David Stone
The Roosevelt Island Daily News
Online Goofs #1: Thank You, But No…
“It’s HERE! The beloved Roosevelt Island Newsletter makes its grand return today featuring everything Roosevelt Island…” a RIOC advisory blurted on Friday.
At first, we here at The Daily were flattered. After all, that’s us. Maybe the hapless state agency finally came around, but don’t trust us – or them. Search for yourself.
Alas, though, it was too good to be true, far beyond RIOC’S maturity level. The first clue…?
“…beloved…”
As Joe Biden would say, “Come on. Are you kidding me, man?”
The Daily has been aggressive, informative, rebellious, irritating, etc. But never beloved, especially by the State of New York.
The “beloved,” we fear, is their own RIOC News, an Island treasure we’ve been forced to do without for around a year and a half. How did we stand it?
Shelton the Magnificent
The state agency that never gets it wrong, we discovered, recently updated their executive biographies, including for the much beloved Shelton J. Haynes.
Of course, it cites all those accomplishments others achieved and he claimed – that’s obligatory for the ring-kissers, these days.
But did you know that “Under the leadership of Shelton Haynes, Roosevelt Island has reemerged as a hidden gem previously lost in the shadow of the Big Apple…?”
The writer fails to explain exactly how he did that. Or, really anything else. Has he been barking out orders from behind cover in Blackwell House, deftly guiding the soulless marketing of a community as a product?
The “hidden gem” cliche is obnoxious, of course, but what the hell? Where and when exactly was the Island submerged? And we weren’t lost, we were trying to hide. The community didn’t want this, not the Trams crowded with tourists, not the steady erosion of the middle class…
But real estate interests did. Rents have skyrocketed, steadily pushing Roosevelt Islanders toward Queens, Staten Island, Brooklyn and – ahem – New Jersey.
Thank you for your “leadership,” Mr. Haynes!
Saving the Best Online Goofs for Last
Yesterday, RIOC’s crack Communications Team sent out an advisory over something called the “2023 NYC Five Bike Tour.” (Oops! Missed a word!)
“Due to the 2023 NYC Five Borough Bike Tour on Sunday May 7th, from 7AM to 6PM there will be intermittent traffic on the Roosevelt Island 36th Ave Bridge and throughout the 5 boroughs. Anticipate delays,” it read. (Note: the B and the o in throughout were mysteriously in red. That may be RIOC secret code for something.)
Now, this is creative because there is no such thing as the “Roosevelt Island 36th Ave Bridge,” although we won’t dispute the “intermittent traffic” thing. Traffic is, by nature, always intermittent, except when it’s jammed. So, we still don’t know why Roosevelt Islanders needed a warning about that.
Pretty quickly, we figured out that Team RIOC must be struggling to write about the TD Five Boro Bike Tour, an actual event happening concurrently with whatever the NYC Five Bike Tour is.
The bike riders do not use the Roosevelt Island Bridge at any point, but Vernon Boulevard will close at some point. They have not been clear on timing yet,
Finally
The humor you find in RIOC’s latest online blunders depends on your level of tolerance for the ongoing mess resulting from taking orders out of Blackwell House.
The state agency that never makes a mistake should take more lessons from sports and less from chess. Sports teams don’t overpay rookies, expecting them to behave like seasoned pros from Day One.
They, at a minimum, keep the professionals around long enough to mentor the kids.
