For the Life of Me (Which I No Longer Have), I Can’t Understand Why I Wanted to Be a Zombie

Ugh, the afterlife. Talk about a bureaucratic nightmare. Here I am, a zombie, shuffling around with rigor mortis setting in and a persistent craving for brains (mostly administrative ones, mind you), and all I can think about is that bucket list I never got around to completing.

The “Life” of a Zombie – Is it worth it?

Apparently, “eternal life” doesn’t actually mean you get to, you know, live. It just means you get to exist in a constant state of hangry decomposition. Who knew “undead” meant “stuck on hold with the DMV of the Afterlife”?

Remember all those movies where zombies were these mindless, flesh-eating machines? Yeah, turns out that’s just bad PR. Honestly, we have more pressing concerns than brains. Like, for instance, the never-ending paperwork for “Reanimated Residency Permits.” Apparently, there’s a whole sub-department dedicated to lost limbs and the proper protocol for attaching them back on (shoddy craftsmanship is a real health hazard in the afterlife, folks).

The worst part…

And don’t even get me started on the afterlife fashion scene. Sure, the “ripped” look is eternally trendy, but it gets old after a while. Plus, finding a decent tailor who specializes in patching up decaying flesh is a real challenge. These days, customer service is just dead (pun intended).

The worst part? Remember how terrifying the living were obsessed with being bitten by a zombie? Turns out, the feeling’s mutual. Apparently, the living get a “Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kit” with garlic grenades, holy water sprinklers, and those annoying head-exploding bullets. Seriously, no self-respecting undead creature wants to deal with that kind of daily commute.

• Does Reincarnation Prove There is an Afterlife?
• Is bureaucracy just another, albeit banal, form of political corruption?
• What is the afterlife? What do we really know?
• An afterlife definition that most people agree on…?
• Deathbed Visions at the End: A Glimpse Between Life and Death

Consclusion

Look, all I’m saying is, if you’re ever considering a post-mortem career change, steer clear of the zombie life. It’s all bureaucracy, bad fashion choices, and dodging decapitation attempts. Honestly, I’d rather be stuck in an endless loop of folding fitted sheets (and trust me, that’s saying something).

So, the next time you see a zombie shuffling down the street, don’t be afraid. Just offer them a cup of lukewarm afterlife coffee and some decent dental floss. We may be undead, but at least we have manners (mostly because our jaws are permanently clenched from rigor mortis).